Susan Richardson has very kindly awarded me the “Kreativ Blogger” award. I actually received this a while ago and responded here. The response I gave before still applies, but now, several months and a summertime later, it all has a different meaning and poignancy to me.
My life always feels split. The reality of my working life in London varies tremendously from my reality on Martha’s Vineyard. I usually work while I’m on the Island as well, but this summer I made a conscious decision to take a serious, long break. I realized that for three years, I have worked steadily without a holiday, without a time to step back and clear my mind, in the way that writers do work steadily. A writer’s writing is always in his/her head. As a writer, your eyes and ears are always open, waiting for the new phrase, a new spark. The past couple of years have also thrown me into the longed for, but difficult business of writing with all the associated worries about agents, publishers, marketing, competition, finances. To be honest, I was burned out. When I arrived on the Vineyard I realized (with the help of some sharp words from a good friend) that I had drifted into a very negative place. Although nothing was wrong, all I could see in front of me were difficulties. All I saw were hurdles. There were no gates. And that also meant that the joy of my work had slipped away, and I do believe that if the joy of writing is gone, then there’s little reason to continue. So I stopped.
It actually wasn’t hard to do. The past two months have been full of guests, family, travel. As Number 2 Son heads off to college and becomes an independent man, just as Number 1 Son has already done, there was lots to think about concerning this new stage in my life. My work easily took a back seat. But I knew September 1 would come. I knew I had work I had already promised myself I would do. I just didn’t know if I felt like doing it any more.
And then came Susan’s award. It reminded me that for all my worries about publishing and recognition, my writing has never been — and can never be — about those external factors. My goal has been, and must continue to be, about living a life infused with creativity, about pursuing that creative act and then, when finding it, incorporating it into who I am and how I relate to the world. God knows I can’t expect it to be about money. But that’s where I’m lucky. My life’s work gains its impetus from beyond the world of mammon. What I do is more closely linked to who I am than what I gain. This is a lesson I have to learn and relearn, and I thank Susan and her award for reminding me.
Teach us to sit still
TS Eliot
It’s great to get things into perspective like that isn’t it?
Writing is not all life. Life is not all writing. Yet somehow they mesh together and are inextricable, so that time spent NOT writing is also very much a part of the process.
Hope your batteries have been recharged. September is here!
Sue, you’ve touched on the thing about writing that I struggle with most. I am a full time writer and my family requires that I earn a living- and all writers know how hard it is to make a liveable wage from writing. Trying to earn money from writing often kills my creativity and the joy I get from writing. That’s sad.
Good to have you back and to hear that you are in such a positive frame of mind!!
Don’t worry about everyone else…do it for you 🙂
C x
I feel burnt out too but your post has shown me a different perspective. Not sure it is my perspective yet but nice to be reminded that there is one.